10-5-26 [ramblings after rewatching Raw 2016 and Blue Velvet 1986]

The repression in raw is of sexuality, of desire, of animality, of all things that reduce one to animal rather than human.The main, driving relationship is that of Justine and her sister who represent the polarities/ Alexia represents what Justine could end up as if she allows these desires to consume her. (therefore arguing that we are all biologically wired to a certain degree towards destruction. Which i dont necessarily agree with. At least not to this extreme. I think we all have this potential. It’s more so whether our environment allows for this kind of behavior to persist. Biology by itself is not enough to solidify this point for me). I think the beauty of taboo and transgression and deviance is that we all have an equal potentiality towards it. It’s just a matter of hitting the right sequence of variables to make that happen. We are all naive to think that deviants are uniquely barbaric for their actions. They’re human just like us. They have intelligence just like us.

While Blue Velvet should theoretically hit all of my weak points, the voyeurism is no longer shocking or repressed in our current society. It's become embedded in the very fabric of our everyday lives. The conclusion of the film feels as though it's saying that jeffery is cleansed or forgiven for his voyeurism because it ended up saving Dorothy in the end, that he has rinsed his hands of it, that he’s learned his lesson. But in this day and age, everyone is constantly being watched, and we’re all aware we’re being watched so there’s no sense of relief or revelation at the film’s central themes. It also feels as though the film is arguing that the intent of the voyeurism is what matters, clearly defining a line between Frank’s abuse and Jeffery’s heroism.

5-31-25 [dream]

Had a dream that I was forcibly inducted into a battle royale game after being accused of murdering a VIP. I was kidnapped by three large men in black suits and sunglasses and was stripped naked after which I was guided to a large room with a tv mantled on the wall and several other naked young men. The room was circular and light blue and along the walls were sports stand style seating. All the other men in this room were dressed alternatively with spiked hair and piercings and even in the dream I was happy to be placed with the men. I also quickly realized everyone was speaking only in japanese.

We were eventually led out into the “map” and it was layed out like a mall. Each floor had items that we all needed like food and supplies but also just regular mall goods. The floor we were released on was sort of just a mezzanine floor but the floor below us was a convenience store. The floor above us was a large bookstore. Above that was a strange clothing store.

Each round consisted of a swarm of zombies being unleashed but we weren’t sure where or what floor they were being deployed to. This one girl I was sticking with told me my Japanese sounded weird and seemed weirded out even when I told her I was half-japanese. I was also hanging around with this young man, a platinum blonde (clearly not natural) guy with red eyeshadow on his hooded eyelids that you could only see when he closed his eyes or looked down. He had an annoying personality but he was cute and fun to be around.

12-23-23 [dream]

had a really scary and graphic dream where the girl that plays one of the lesbians in that one lesbian movie (ayo ebediri) kills herself by stabbing herself in the back of the throat with a full knife. The face she made as fell down in pain was terrifying like she was choking on her tongue

4-18-20 [dream]

I was transported inside the physical psyche of a tiktok influencer after he had an accident, and me and a few of his other followers were tasked with restoring his consciousness by attaching tubes to the neurons in his brain. The brain was huge, was several people tall in height and we all had to crawl around on top of it to attach the tubes in the proper places. I remember it feeling soft under my knees, and damp but not wet. the neurons looked like small stars, just a tad smaller than a human head and the tubes we would use to connect them were similar in shape and size to pool noodles but were translucent like they were made of plastic. Us 'worker bees' were only transported there when we fell asleep and during the day we would return back to normal daily life.

the influencer's brain was located in this large dark room, and across from the brain was a hall that lead to a large opening to a beautiful old English village. I knew somehow that once you stepped through the opening it meant you had to stay there forever and I felt tempted many times but the thought of eternity ultimately deterred me. Most of the other followers did because they used to live there themselves.

within his mind palace, the influencer had a physical form which revealed he didn’t have legs anymore, they were amputated cleanly right above the knee, but once we finished reconnecting his neurons he was able to regenerate them.