DIARY

[4-15-24]

Mon / 7:08pm

I've read several new books but I'm no longer liking the set up I had for my booklog so that may change in the future. Also drawing more frequently now! yaaaay. may update the art page.

[2-1-24]

Thur / 5:21pm

Been more into visual kei recently. The chorus of U+K by Gackt brings me to tears for reasons that I do not understand! Also Kyo from Dir En Grey's voice is still beautiful as ever. It's a little saddening to see the difference in energy/performance in their old concerts compared to now, it seems almost like they've resigned themselves to the fact their prime is past them now.

[1-24-24]

Wed / 3:55pm

doodles of myself I did at work. smile

11:33 pm

I just finished submitting two job applications. One to Barnes & Nobles, the other to Michaels. I've been waiting on sending them for months now, for no real reason in particular, but today I came home with enough anger and exhaustion that I finally got it over with. Working at a bookstore is more appealing to me than at Michaels so I wrote a cover letter hoping that would boost my chances. I'm really terrible at writing about how great of a worker I am though (because I'm really not) so it took almost three hours. Hoping and praying I get to leave my current job soon!!!

While I was writing my cover letter my dad was giving me suggestions of all the different places I could work or do and he gave me the suggestion of living in Japan for a month and finding a job there since I have a Japanese passport. It derailed my writing progress for a little bit but it sounded really appealing to me, even if the prospect of having to speak to an interviewer in my poor Japanese does terrify me a little bit. I always visit Japan with my mom and sister to see my mom's side of the family but our schedule is usually pretty packed and I don't get a lot of time to wander around by myself. Last summer I got the opportunity to go to the mandarake in Nakano by myself and I spent a good couple of hours just walking around gazing all the vendors and items they had. I spent a lot of money that day lol. It would be great if I had even a week in Japan by myself... so many things I could do I'm overwhelmed by all the possibilites!

[1-23-24]

Tues / 10:32pm

stumbled across this BL made by inutoki and this is quite possibly the cutest art style i've ever seen T__T god. Wish I could just steal this person's art style so badly.

[1-8-24] Art Improvement

Mon / 4:30pm

I’ve been thinking about art recently since I’ve been struggling so much with creating anything that I feel proud of. About why I like it and what sort of art is most appealing to me. When I was entering high school, I became enamored with paintings from the baroque movement and decided to overhaul the janky anime art style I had cultivated in favor of striving towards realism.

Obviously, I never got to Caravaggio’s level but in the process I managed to completely change my art style. If you were to take a piece I made at 14 and put it side by side with something I had made at age 16, you might not have even guessed it was made by the same person. It’s hard to believe it myself! And although it’s obvious that my skills have improved, (the head is proportionate size to the rest of the body, I draw eyes at the same time for consistency, when I have an idea in my head I’m usually able to execute it without my skills impeding,) I can’t help but feel like my art is hollow now.

I think art was much more fulfilling for me when I was a beginner. When I was still rough around the edges and I had the ability to choose what I wanted to refine. I think of it as something similar to cutting a gemstone. The natural course of action when you find a gemstone is to want to transform it into something shinier, more usable, more likable; but once it’s been transfigured, you can’t change it back. It’s reached its natural conclusion. Once you learn the rules of anatomy you can’t go back to the janky way you used to draw legs. Once you learn the proper way to hold a pencil you won't have the unsteady lines you used to always struggle with. You can always go forward but you can never move backwards. I miss that imperfect quality in my art. I look at my art from back then and I can feel the passion in it. The feeling of wanting to know more, of wanting to learn everything I can and not quite getting there yet. Now I feel like I’m trying my hardest to move back in time, to try to emulate that feeling but it’s only a mockery.

I feel like I value art made by beginners a lot more than those who are obviously skilled now. The beginners are still untouched by the rules of what makes art “good.” I guess they feel more natural. The mistakes and jagged edges make it that much more endearing to me.

Reading this back makes it seem really depressing but I’m mostly just trying to figure out why I don’t have that spark like I used to anymore. Hmmmmm I wonder if anyone else feels the same way.

Also something that I didn’t add in my resolution this year was to write more. I’m very self conscious about my writing (it feels a little bit like someone is taking a peek into my brain. Very scary) and I want to change that.

[12-30-23]

Sat / 10:45pm

It’s been a bit since my last entry: partly because I came down with a bad fever a couple days before my family had planned to leave for the holidays and partly because I wasn’t sure how I wanted to continue to use this diary portion of the site. I don’t want to reveal too much about myself online. I don’t think that’s very healthy for me even though it might be entertaining for others. Still don’t really know what to do but for now I’ll start with my new year’s resolutions for 2024. I stopped doing new year's resolutions several years ago because I never stuck to them but I want to try setting a few goals this year. I'm feeling optimistic!

Read 25 books. That was my goal for this year but I only actually finished 16. If I counted all the books I started but never finished it would probably surpass that though lol.
Draw more. Or rather, experiment with my art more. I've been in an art rut this whole year and I think it’s because I’ve gotten too comfortable drawing the same things over and over. I want to draw more environments and play around with stylization. Also return to traditional mediums instead of just relying on digital just because it’s easier.
Shorten my screen time. I spend way too much time on social media. It would be great if I managed to delete them all and stay off but I’m gonna set the bar low so I don’t get too disappointed. If my current iphone shits out on me I think I’ll just get a dumbphone instead.
Clean my room. As in: clean it and keep it clean. I think I need to get rid of at least half of my belongings to make that work but it must be done. My room’s been in a perpetual state of grime for years and this will be the year that changes! hopefully!
Take more risks! I started reading “Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men’s Lives” by Walt Odets and on page five Odets describes how he has spoken to dozens of men dying during the AIDS crisis and how he has “heard a single line more often than any other. ‘I should have taken more risks.’ No one ever said he’d taken too many.” I need to remember that.

And a short reflection on this past year.

I finally got my driver’s license in January! I held off on getting it for so long because I was convinced I would be a horrible and dangerous driver but I got over that very quickly.
Also started hormone replacement therapy on January 19th. Coming up on a year soon! By far one of the most life-changing and stabilizing things in my life. I am convinced that this is what made me become a normal functioning person.
Got my first job. It sucks but I got it! Which also means I have my own money to spend now. Awesome.

Aside from that, I had scanned all of the pages in my 2020 sketchbook and was ready to upload it when I realized the images were taking up way too much storage so now I need to go back and downsize all them lol. I’m excited to upload it though, I hope I can get it up soon. Anyways, I wish you all a happy new year. ^__^

[12-17-23]

Sun / 2:54pm

I had a dream last night that me and my sister went to visit one of her friends’ houses but he started becoming really violent and hit my sister. We were in the basement and his father came downstairs and praised him and even gave him a gun to continue his rampage. As the kid waved his gun between my sister and I, I remember thinking “I don’t want to die. There’s so much I haven’t done yet.” And somehow during this moment of high tension, I was able to reflect on how a couple years ago that thought wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. I woke up feeling strange but grateful.

In other news, I bought a scanner yesterday so I can finally get to scanning my sketchbooks like I’ve wanted to for a long time!! (I also finally figured out how to make an image carousel yippee!) I spent some time looking through my past sketchbooks and it’s a little saddening to see how little color I use now compared to a couple years before. I think I’ll make it part of my new year's resolution to experiment more with my art. I feel like I’ve gotten too comfortable and it’s stifling my drive to continue making it.

I also made a gingerbread house. it's awesome

[12-14-23]

Thu / 4:19pm

I plan to make a 'scans' section for my sketchbook but I still don't know how to make an image carousel so. this shall do for now.

[12-10-23] The Boy and the Heron

This entry will be reviewing the new studio ghibli film “The Boy and the Heron” so if you don’t want any spoilers leave while you still can !!!!!!
I happened to be visiting my grandpa in japan when “The Boy and the Heron” was first released (I think it was in July) so I got to go in completely blind. I was extremely excited as when I first heard about the production seven years ago, there were rumors that this would be Hayao Miyazaki’s last film, (soon after the film came out he recanted this statement lol) and if he spent this much time perfecting it, it must be worth watching. But after the credits rolled for this movie that felt much longer than two hours, I was left feeling disappointed, which then shifted into anger for having wasted my time lol! And I've been reminded of these feelings now that the film has been released in America.

If you haven’t watched this movie yet but want to understand what I’m talking about here's the wikipedia summary.

Everything that is essential to what constitutes a ‘ghibli movie’ was all there on paper. But that’s what was wrong with it. It felt like they took all the archetypes and tropes they had in previous films, mashed it together and expected the visuals to fill out the obviously bad writing. Everything from the setting, the character design, to interactions between characters felt too familiar. Nothing about the film felt original to me (except for the fantasy elements that they sidelined in favor of a poorly written family drama.) Knowing that Miyazaki was ripping off his own work is what made it so infuriating to watch.

None of the characters were developed enough for the viewer to understand their motivations or personality, which in turn made the familial conflict between the protagonist and his new step-mother fall flat. There’s a lot of forced character motivations and by that I mean nothing the protagonist did ever really made sense. I was incredibly confused when Mahito hit himself in the head with a rock after fighting the school children because it didn’t seem consistent with his character at all. The only reason I could conjure up is if he wanted to blame his injury on the school children to get them in trouble but if I remember correctly: he didn’t even tell his father that he fought with the school children, his father came to that conclusion by himself. Mahito also clearly does notcare for his step-mother at all in the beginning of the movie and his step-mother also clearly feels the same for him; directly telling him in the alternate world that she doesn’t like him (or something along those lines.) But for some reason, by the end of the movie he tells her that he loves her, despite the fact that there was no real development between them to indicate that his feelings towards her have changed. I think the movie could have been a lot more interesting if they focused more on developing the fantasy elements or if they just decided to make it a story about moving past his mother’s death! That would have been much more interesting than trying to juggle 3 different narratives at once!

I guess seeing the general reception of this movie be unequivocally good is making me irritated because I know that Hayao Miyazaki can do better... I don't usually feel the need to criticize movies this intensely, most of the time I just passively watch and rate them on a sliding scale of 3-5 stars and move on but because ghibli has been such a large part of my life I can't help but feel emotionally invested!!!

[12-9-23]

Sat / 8:57pm

I was planning to write a short little review of "Too Scared to Cry" today but after researching the author a little bit, I realized it might take longer than I thought lol. I'm trying to decide between writing a really long review or splitting the information into two different essays. It also feels a little daunting because I haven't actually written anything with the purpose of showing anyone else in like. maybe two years so I feel really rusty.

word of the day: layman-(as google defines it) a person without professional or specialized knowledge in a particular subject.

[12-8-23]

Fri / 1:29pm

One of my favorite regulars came in today. I think she’s a teacher at the elementary school down the street because she always asks for the teacher discount when she orders. She looks very young, probably about late 20s early 30s? And is always very polite (which I very much appreciate. The little things matter in food service) I hadn’t seen her for a while and she explained that her schedule had been moved around so she hasn’t had a lot of time to go out to get food on her lunch breaks as much. She asked how everything had been going and asked if I’ve been reading anything recently because “I feel like I’m always seeing you with a book on hand.” I told her that I just started “The Great Good Place” by Ray Oldenburg and that I was glad to find a copy at the library because I mistakenly thought it was selling for a couple hundred dollars online. I looked up the price later and found out that it was selling for about $40 at barnes and nobles but that's still expensive to me so I guess my brain just equated it to hundreds lol. I’m sorry lady, I didn't mean to lie. The rest of our conversation got cut short because another customer came in but she was very sweet. It's nice to be acknowledged and remembered by a stranger like that. Also, as I was writing this a lady that was dining in with her son told me she liked my haircut as she was leaving. I’m noticing that a lot of women have told me they liked my short hair recently. I wasn't expecting it at all but I wholly welcome it.

3:16pm

My manager told me I could take a two hour break today which is much appreciated because I told him I had something to do from 3-4. Which I originally did but I decided to cancel because I realized it would bleed into the time that I would have to go back to work. So now I have extra time to fuck around! Yay! I ate my lunch pretty fast so I had some time to finally upload the journal page (despite it being really ugly right now lol) I’m getting embarrassed at the idea of people actually being able to read a log of my thoughts so let’s see how long I keep this up. I’m mostly embarrassed because the first couple logs are just jumbled nonsense because for some reason I wanted the tone to be more formal than my usual diary but that makes no sense. It’s just not me. Anyway, I need to get ready to go back to work now, hopefully I get out a little bit early.

9:05pm

I left work at around 7:30 (30 minutes more than I was scheduled because there was a sudden rush) . Nothing all that noteworthy happened. One weird customer that pissed me off a little but I won’t waste time getting into it. I’m gonna try fixing up this page and go to bed. Also here’s my song of the day. reverting back to when I was 10 and loved kyary pamyu pamyu...

[12-7-23]

Thu / 7:48pm

Woke up super tired today so when I got home I took 2 hour nap even though I knew that would fuck up my sleep schedule even more. I have to work from 9:45am to 7pm tomorrow. VERY EXCITED. [clenched teeth] I've had to cover for someone else at least once a week for this past month and I'm getting really sick of it!!!! I noticed there were a couple unclaimed shifts next week and if my stupid ass manager asks me to cover again next week I fear I may do something rash. My back and chest are starting to hurt from wearing my shitty clasp binder everyday, which reminds me that I should buy a new one (the one I currently have I bought second-hand for like $5 which I'm pretty sure was originally bought from amazon. so. the quality isn't great)

I was feeling a little unsure of whether I wanted to make an online diary like this because I couldn't figure out how to make it feel cohesive with the rest of my site but who really cares. I'll be as casual as I want or as formal as I want it's my own website god damnit!!! It's still a little embarrassing to share my thoughts so publicly like this despite having done the same thing on social media for a long time. For some reason it feels like a lot more people are looking at me here.

I also took a break from reading "Too Scared to Cry" and started reading "Hurricane Season" by Fernanda Melchor today because I wanted to read some fiction after reading non-fiction for a while. I only got about 20 pages in but I was lured in with the promise that it would be about a trans woman and so far I haven't gotten any mention about it. I also added several more books to my to-read list-- it feels like the list just gets longer and the time goes by faster!

[12-3-23]

9:39pm

I had to cover someone's shift at work today. I worked from 2pm to 8pm. and today was a sunday. it went pretty smoothly and I spent about 2 of my hours there reading "too scared to cry." I'm planning to make a 'currently reading' section for short notes so I'll keep it brief but this book is really dated and it shows. I'm honestly really surprised the editors let this get published.

anyways, work was pretty pleasant except for one thing that happened towards the end of my shift. one of my coworkers I don't see that often asked if I liked her romantically, asked for a kiss, and even asked if I liked girls. Still not really sure if she's joking or she's being serious. I came home tired and confused lol.

completely shifting gears, I suddenly started enjoying making art again-- I had spent the last couple months trying to get myself to want to draw and I all of sudden had that feeling yesterday and I spent a couple hours just doodling. I managed to even finish a short animation yesterday too.

[11-30-23]

10:37pm

my first diary entry yaaayyy not so sure how often I'll actually be updating this but very excited that I have an online blog now. Feels like something I should've done ages ago. I already have a physical diary so I'm not sure if I'll be very consistent but time shall tell I suppose.

I think I'll use this place as both a diary and a place to dump ideas I don't know where else to put.

also majorly struggling with making a music player. most of the problems I've run into while coding were just obvious oversight on my part so I probably need to just spend a day away from the screen and I'll figure it out.